What was it that drew you to your significant other? Their blue eyes? Their ginger countenance? Their smile? Their voice? —http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/hes-shes-so-fine/
You guys want me to talk about my boyfriend? Well okay. =) I can do that. Don’t mind if I do!
The special man’s name is Kirk, which is, of course, why I call him Captain when I refer to him on my blog. Now you know. He is a few inches taller than me and he currently weighs like, 15 pounds less than me. However, I own P90X and now have a space in which to do it, so I intend to change that last bit (I’m sick of being fat). He has very, very blue eyes, an oval face and stereotypically misaligned British teeth. In short, he’s bloody adorable.
I met Kirk last summer, about mid-June, on OKCupid–and I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit to that. Oh well. (I think I told my parents I knew him from band camp, which isn’t a lie, although it took getting to know him online to realize that.) His first message to me was a compliment, and it was even a polite one. He just wanted to make sure that someone told me how beautiful I was. And I realize that’s a line–but I’ve sent the same message to people before strictly to make someone smile–and that I fell for it, but #noregrets.
I just hashtagged in the middle of a sentence. I have a problem. Oi.
Anyway, Kirk and I started texting, and then we were texting a lot, and then he just called me out of the blue, which was really cool because it seems like all of my friends are terrified of talking on the bloody phone. Immediately, Kirk called dibs on a date when I moved back to Grand Forks–which was fine with me, because I really just assumed it was going to be my first foray into the Grand Forks dating scene. Except… then we started really getting to know each other over the phone and Skype and everything and… all of a sudden we’d fallen in love. To quote John Green, “[We] fell in love like you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”
We’d been in a relationship for a week before we actually met in person–after seeing each other repeatedly in high school at various things and never really noticing–and the chemistry was intense. It was like the moment I set eyes on the man, our souls wove into each other and became one–as cheesy and ridiculous as that sounds.
In August, I moved into the same house as him downtown, and it was great. Even though things haven’t always been totally perfect, we’ve come a long way in almost-10 months, although a few months ago we just about fell apart. In all honesty, even though part of me was hurt and wanted to walk away and never look back, the idea of extricating him from my life was too painful to face. He’s as much a part of me as my family is now, and although that’s terrifying sometimes, it’s so beautiful and reassuring that I can’t let it go. I can’t let him go. Relationships have speed bumps and potholes, but this is a vehicle I’m not willing to abandon.
We’ve just moved into a 2-room apartment together just north of campus, and it’s perfect. A little ghetto, but perfect. We have the ugliest frickin couch I’ve ever seen in my life, but it’s surprisingly comfortable, so whatever. Effectively: I’m happy. As a person with chronic, intense depression clouding my life, being happy is a big deal. A really big deal.
Kirk and I had very, very similar childhoods and it’s almost scary how many experiences we share. Our perspectives don’t always align–he’s not religious at all, and I’ve found over time that I’m a bit more so than I ever really gave myself credit for being, and it causes the occasional argument, but we respect the other’s viewpoint. In the end, I think that’s what attracted me to Kirk most; he understood. He got it. I can share my life with Kirk and not worry about him asking questions I can’t answer because he understands. He knows what I’m talking about, how I feel and how I felt. And he knows what to do when I have emotional breakdowns. He knows what to do when I have these godawful flashbacks. He knows what to say when I’m upset; he can just feel when I need a hug and when I need some space. But even being so deeply connected, we still have to work sometimes. We aren’t perfect, and two imperfect people can’t fit together perfectly, but we’re about as close as possible.
I usually avoid talking about my relationships on my blog(s) because I think it’s ridiculous and I always want to go back and slap myself. But this one is for real, and I don’t have a single problem expounding. He is mine, and I am his, and I don’t ever intend to change that. As frustrating as he can be, he puts up with me when I’m being stupid and frustrating, so it’s okay. It’s great.
Edit (06/18/2015): Kirk and I broke up in January of this year. I don’t feel the need to change a single word of what I said in this post, because at the time that I wrote it, it was completely true. I was unequivocally in love with that man. However, we began to fall apart, and in a desperate attempt to pull it back together, we got engaged in November. After two months, the zombie relationship reared its ugly head, and we called it quits. It wasn’t a good time, but it was necessary, and we both got over it and have moved on with life. A small part of me will probably always love and miss him, but that’s okay, because at no point have I hated him. I am very glad that we aren’t getting married in a month and a half, but I don’t hate him. I don’t know if I could. We’re better off apart now, and I think there’s something to be said for that. Either way, love is a beautiful thing, and I don’t believe in hiding what I felt because I no longer feel that way.